Helpful Ideas for Talking with Kids
By Rachael Allen
Kids want to be treated like people because, well, they are people. Consider talking to a child as you would any person you care about and respect, regardless of age. Kids pick up quickly on adults who talk down to them or aren’t willing to meet them at their level. Children are very perceptive in their understanding of whether or not adults are interested in building an equitable relationship with them. Young people are acutely aware of their dependence on those older than them; how an adult approaches and maintains a relationship reveals their level of trustworthiness. It isn’t easy to navigate the vulnerability of a child’s developing feelings, nor the inevitable struggles it reflects in the adult. If an adult can liberate herself from communicating with children under the oppression of adultism, wonderfully vibrant relationships with authentic communication await. We all want to feel seen and heard as our true selves and to connect deeply with the people in our lives, from birth ‘til death and all the ages in between.
Some ideas to foster opportunities for communication:
Narrate: Talk about what is happening as it is happening. This gives kids clear context to evaluate the world around them in real time. Not only do most people find reassurance in greater understanding of the present moment, it also helps open up a dialogue. In addition to talking about things in the moment, give recaps. Ask kids to add to the story or make changes where you might have “gotten it wrong,” and explore their revisions. Share your thoughts and feelings while owning your experience as opposed to defaulting to it as truth. This narration is an invitation for processing, which is vital to understanding our emotions and how we think and behave. When you tell the story of an experience and share the narrative, it helps to give insight into the points of view for all involved. Everyone can be closer to the same page regarding what happened and gain an understanding of how to approach future situations.
- Useful phrase - “I wonder how could that have been different.” Reflection helps serve overall awareness. Narration can be fertile territory for creative imaginative play. Dreaming up the best or worst or anything in between helps us better understand each other and makes storytelling more engaged, plus it inspires new ideas for next time.
Collaborate: Make plans together. Embrace opportunities for children to have a voice and a choice in the goings on of their daily life. Consider their ideas and contributions. Hold space for what matters to them. Stay aware of their interests. It is important for kids to have buy-in on whatever is happening in their lives in order to empower them, and this starts with co-creating from the ground up. Going through negotiation and compromise cycles helps establish what kind of plan can work best for all involved. Practicing how to accommodate each other allows kids to understand boundaries better and have more realistic expectations based on their lived experience. This is an opportunity for children to be considered and parents to be seen as people too, all with equally valid preferences and needs.
- Useful Phrase - “I changed my mind.” Holding inconsistency accountable. Sometimes adults switch up the program without warning, as it is sometimes necessary or at their discretion. Acknowledging when that happens and making space for ownership of agency allows adults to continue the dialogue without ignoring a shift. Kids will feel less in the dark, which fosters trust in the autonomy of the older person to make decisions under more tolerable levels of uncertainty.
Listen: Be curious; ask questions for understanding and clarity. Try to avoid agreeing or disagreeing, advising or defending. Pay attention and be invested on their level. Make space for silence. Obviously sometimes we don’t REALLY want to listen to what someone is telling us, cue the meme “Can you die from listening to your kids talk about YouTube videos? Because it feels like you can.” The idea is to provide more equitable division of airtime, to give them the floor.
- Useful phrase - “Tell me more.” Requesting more information without asking a specific question. This could be open-ended or as a gentle direction. Saying “tell me more about how that felt” or “tell me more about what that means to you” makes room for more objectivity.
The most important thing we can do for kids is share our story; storytelling is the most powerful tool for connection. Be honest, open, and own our part in understanding that the journey unfolds as quickly as it comes. Honor that children are doing exactly the same thing, LIVING, and being at an earlier stage does not preclude the value of their thoughts and feelings. Never underestimate the power of hearing and trusting your child (even verbalize it - “I hear you, I trust you”), or the boldness and braveness of speaking each person’s truth while modeling that process. Let’s bring intention behind communication to learn how to treat each other.
Rachael Allen is an educator and mother of one, navigating the terrain of self-directed education and parenting in the PNW.